While your partner may talk, she may keep her most troublesome thoughts private. It’s difficult to open up about anxiety, guilt, and insecurity, especially when you’re supposed to be a happy new mom. The incredible shifts and changes can be unnerving; she can feel like she’s lost her moorings and is being carried along by a tide. Encourage her to talk; it will help her process what’s happening to her and she’ll feel less isolated.  

A mom can feel incompetent, or even guilty, when she can’t calm her crying baby. She feels her “maternal instinct” is supposed to tell her exactly what her baby’s cries mean and how to comfort him. Being dead tired, feeling physically wrecked and unattractive, having limited control over her emotions, and seeing no end in sight can make her plight seem hopeless. Point out what a great job she’s doing, what a wonderful baby she made, how much you appreciate her, and that she’s a good mom.

New moms automatically gravitate towards other experienced mothers, including their own. They often have issues with their own moms, but many still have close relationships during the first months of motherhood. Her mother can provide guidance that she trusts and a strong sense of security. You can also encourage her to have regular contact with other mothers who will reassure her. 

LATimes: Peanut: A new Tinder-like app for new moms.

Your partner should find a readily available and well established support system of other moms who totally understand her situation, are highly sympathetic, and have lots of advice she can trust. She can blow off steam about an insensitive husband who does not understand her (that would be you), as well as hear about another husband who is even worse (priceless). 

Her hormones, coupled with the tornado of MommyLand, can sweep her off her feet. You can help her understand what issues are important and which are minor ones exaggerated by the “experts.” Ask her what worries her, and don’t disagree—just listen—which gives her the opportunity to get it off her chest. See if you can help her laugh off the more ridiculous stuff later.

“On the internet, be careful. People like to complain. My wife would go on these forums and she’d get worried about every little thing. People don’t go to make posts to tell you how awesome everything is. They go to tell you how terrible everything went.” —Dad

Issues with her baby, hormonal surges, and poor sleep continue through the first months, keeping her mind in turmoil about what she really wants as a mother. Then she gets her Mommy Legs, her hormones calm down, she gets more sleep and gets better at dealing constructively with her life and mothering choices. 

In the early months, encourage her to take her time in making decisions. When Google extended paid leave for new moms from three to five months, moms choosing to quit work and stay home dropped by half. 

Google taught us something about bringing independence to new moms.

A mom who can’t think of much else other than her baby will find it hard to leave him, even if he’s in your care or with a babysitter. A change of scenery is essential for her to enjoy a little guiltless freedom, so you may have to boot her out of the house while you handle the baby. Perhaps she’d like to go to a movie, the hairdresser, the mall, or visit with friends. The fresh perspective she gets from some rejuvenating personal time will make your efforts totally worth it.

And help make it happen. An exercise. class, art class, or girl’s night out, in addition to a regular date with you, is essential. Remind her she needs balance in her life to do her best as a mother. She needs her old friends, too—not just other mothers—so she can be more than a mom at times.