Common Feelings Around Finances
We grow up with personal values about money that get magnified when making family decisions. Finance conversations are often about bigger, more deeply held beliefs and the discussion can quickly get heated. There are common feelings that tend to come to light:
- Couples often focus on money: it’s in their control when so much of life isn’t.
- Moms tend to focus on the daily needs of their baby while dads focus on the bigger picture, like college.
- Dads consider their career to be the major contribution to the family.
- A stay-at-home mom may resent her spouse for doing less household labor, and he might resent her for being less focused on finances.
So it makes sense to get a handle on the family budget before the baby comes, when things are less emotionally intense and it’s just the two of you. It also makes sense to approach this talk gently and in a spirit of mutual understanding. If you can successfully work together on finances, you will have checked off a major box, which gives you bandwidth to focus on other things together.
Edel & Ryan: Preparing for Maternity Leave (1:12)
Amanda: "You're Not Gonna Write The Great American Novel" (2:03)
CHILD CARE OPTIONS:
“One thing that helped me a lot is we picked daycare close to my work, so I can see her at lunch. I spend all morning thinking, 'I can go see her!'"
- New Mom
“I take her to client dinners with me, so she is literally sitting at the table when I don't have a babysitter. She comes to work with me, and I went back to work at two weeks; she sat under my desk, and I just rolled with it.”
- New Mom
CHOOSING A PROVIDER
Once you’ve figured out the type of care needed, reach out to family, friends, and your community for referrals. Also, online services offer guidance and recommendations.
Important things to keep in mind when evaluating caregivers:
Moms on Teamwork & Dad's Support
“My husband stayed home for the first three months of my return and took on a lot of the household duties such as cleaning, washing bottles, laundry. This was sooo helpful. It allowed me to come home, drop everything, and be 100% present with my son. We would also check in and talk after our son when to bed. He would talk about how difficult it was being home with an infant all day, and I would talk about how difficult it was being away all day. My husband allowed me to have my feelings and would ask me what he could do to help. All I really needed was to be heard and understood. He did a great job of this without trying to fix my feelings.”
“My husband had six weeks of paternity leave that we set up to start the day I went back to work. Knowing my daughter was home with him made my transition those first few weeks much easier. My husband and I both worked full time before we had our daughter. Even though it would be a financial strain, my husband supported me in only going back part-time and agreed it was in our daughter’s best interest for one of us to be home as much as possible. I asked my husband not to send me pictures or videos the first few days because they made me too emotional, but he still texted me to let me know what they were up to and that everything was okay. After about a week, I okay’d photos and videos, which now I very much look forward, too.”
The “Soft” Return
Before going on maternity leave, confirm your benefits and eligibility and how your company handles returning to work. Some businesses offer a phase-back (“soft”) return with flexible hours. Is telecommuting or job sharing an option? If company guidelines aren’t firmly in place, there may be some trailblazing and negotiating necessary to get what you need, but it’s well worth the effort.
Preparation & Organization
This is huge. Once you’ve had a baby, it’s hard enough just to squeeze in a five minute shower, so the idea of pulling it together for a day at the office might make your head spin. When returning to work, organization and preparation are your allies. The more time you give yourself to sort out the details, the better you’ll feel.
If both you and your spouse are working full time, you’ll need to plan how to manage tasks like getting the baby ready, child care drop off and pick up, meal prep, etc. If one of you travels for work or works longer hours (fireman, doctor), you’ll need to do some additional planning. And be sure to stay flexible with your plans in case your pre-return date trial run shows your plan needs some tweaking.
Tips for Staying Organized
- Create a checklist of morning tasks and what you and your baby need each day.
- Keep a list of important numbers and info on the fridge for easy access.
- Organize work/diaper bags the night before to save time in the A.M.
- For energy boosts, have healthy snacks in your bag and at your desk.
- Use a notepad/journal for your child care provider to track feedings, naps, etc.
- Have a back-up plan in case your caregiver is sick or unavailable.
- Share a calendar with Dad for business and family appointments.
- Grocery shop, plan, and meal prep on weekends.
- Make a plan for dividing up household tasks with Dad.
“Start your first week back on a Thursday, or when there’s a holiday weekend, so you can ease into your new schedule. With the weekend only a couple of days away, things will feel less stressful.”
- New Mom
“Going back to work was a blessing for me. Having a career is important to me and having time away from my baby is important because I’m rejuvenated when I’m with him. I love just getting even a couple of hours of work done, and then when I’m with my son I’m focused on him. I feel like I need those pieces to be a whole person.”
- New Mom
Breastfeeding & Pumping
If you’re breastfeeding and plan to pump at work, know that it’s mandatory for employers to provide working moms with clean, private spaces (no, the bathroom doesn’t count!). If you’re unsure where this space is, contact your employer so you know what to expect, and try to connect with other new moms at work for support.
READ! Your Rights as a Breastfeeding Employee
The Trial Run
No matter how organized and prepared you might feel, a trial run will give you added insurance that your bases are covered. A trial run gives you a chance to go through the motions, emotionally prep for the actual day, see how you and the baby handled it, and if any changes in your routine are needed.
Before returning to work, do a run-through of the morning routine and get ready just as if you were going to work. If you have in-home care, have your nanny stay with the baby for a stretch of time (they get a chance to get comfortable too) and exit the house. If you’re going with center-based care, drop your baby off (with your spouse or take a friend for support) then use the window of time to get things done or take some much-needed downtime.
From Working Moms...
“Keep in touch with coworkers so you know what’s happening at work and aren’t blind-sided by any major changes. Plus, you’ll get some time out of the house and be around adults while on leave.”
“Have lunch with your manager before you start work again to nail down what your role will be when you return and to make it clear it will take you some time to get back up to speed.”
“We did some meal prep and planning when we first came home from the hospital, but it was even more important once we were both working again. Set some time aside each weekend (or whatever day you can set aside) to do the grocery shopping and as much meal planning and prep as possible. It will leave you more time with your little one during the week and ease the stress of getting dinner ready after a long day at work.”
- New Mom
Ninette - The Importance of Talking About Staying Home (1:03)
RESOURCES