Guide to New Mothers

“Motherhood is beautiful, but it can really mess with a woman’s body, mind, and life.” - New Dad

Guide to New Mothers

“Motherhood is beautiful, but it can really mess with a woman’s body, mind, and life.” - New Dad

Guide to New Mothers
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 Taking Care of a New Mom

 When we started Boot Camp for New Dads in 1990, we were all about babies. But when our new dads came back and were asked “What was the most important thing you learned in Boot Camp?” learning about new mothers topped the list. As in “support her, no matter what” and “don’t take what she says personally.” 

We learned that nothing is better for a new dad than a partner who understands and appreciates him. We also learned that taking care of a new baby can be a piece of cake compared to taking care of a new mom. So we went to work, and over the years, we talked to new moms, taught them about new dads, and eventually started Boot Camp for New Moms. This is what we now know about new mothers...

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The Wonder of New Mothers 

The more we learn, the more we value the contributions and sacrifices new mothers make for our children. Their courage, passion, and commitment knows few bounds; over a few months they typically transform into a powerful force of good for our babies.

Next to the creation of a baby, the metamorphosis of a woman into a mother has to be the most remarkable of all human events. Becoming pregnant, “carrying” a baby, and giving birth are incredible experiences, and that is just the start. In addition to her physical changes, nature has endowed her with neurological hard wiring and biological drivers to intensely bond with and care for your baby. Terms our dads use to describe their mates include "warrior," "selfless," "passionate," and "heroic." 

Amanda: Two Things for New Dads (2:33)

Next to the creation of a baby, the metamorphosis of a woman into a mother has to be the most remarkable of all human events. Becoming pregnant, “carrying” a baby, and giving birth are incredible experiences, and that is just the start. In addition to her physical changes, nature has endowed her with neurological hard wiring and biological drivers to intensely bond with and care for your baby. Terms our dads use to describe their mates include "warrior," "selfless," "passionate," and "heroic." 

A New Perspective for Moms (3:08)

She will take for granted what she does best as a mom while dwelling on any inadequacy she may feel.

Moms Take Themselves for Granted

New mothers get swamped in a sea of worries, including whether they are a good enough mom. She will be proud of her baby, but will likely have too many doubts to be proud of herself.  She will take for granted what she does best as a mom while dwelling on any inadequacy she may feel. This video of moms talking about themselves, and then listening as their kids talk about them, is a tribute to the depth and power of a mother’s love.

Every New Mother Is Different

They all share physical changes and new strengths, but they are also all different. Some new mothers embrace motherhood immediately and thrive, as if born to be a mom. Some babies sleep through the night within weeks and rarely cry, making them easy to embrace. Then there is a range of babies with more challenging characteristics, and a range of new moms including those who struggle as mothers and partners.

She will also change as she progresses as a mother, and may react in ways that surprise you. Don’t expect her to understand her experiences either; they are new, surreal and confusing to her as well.

Neither of you will know what you will get until it happens.

“I heard a lot of 'beware of the short temper' and 'your pregnant wife will be a pain in the ass for nine months' etc... We're four weeks away from our due date and I can't remember a single time my wife was any of the above.”  - Dad-to-be

Every New Mother Is Different

They all share physical changes and new strengths, but they are also all different. Some new mothers embrace motherhood immediately and thrive, as if born to be a mom. Some babies sleep through the night within weeks and rarely cry, making them easy to embrace. Then there is a range of babies with more challenging characteristics, and a range of new moms including those who struggle as mothers and partners.

She will also change as she progresses as a mother, and may react in ways that surprise you. Don’t expect her to understand her experiences either; they are new, surreal and confusing to her as well.

Neither of you will know what you will get until it happens.

Tune Into Her

Even if you are a sensitive man who picks up subtle changes in your wife, this is for you. If you are a man who expects her to tell you what she needs, this is especially for you. 

It Is Tough for Most New Moms

In addition to the physical and hormonal impacts upon the new mom, and the changes in her life, there are other reasons things are tough for Mom:

Edel & Ryan: It Takes a Village (or at least a Dad) (1:02)

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Most Are Tough on New Dads

There must be an evolutionary reason why pregnancy hormones intensify your partner’s emotions. Perhaps aggressive behavior helped pregnant cave women secure the support they needed from their tribe for themselves and their babies. With the tribe gone, you may be the only source of support left and now her only target.

If her hormones worked to positively reinforce your patience, efforts, and understanding (by exhibiting a positive reaction to what you do, to reinforce that you might do it again), your bond as you enter parenthood would be stronger. Instead, just as you two need to collaborate, her nature has conspired against you. Looks like evolution hiccupped on this survival issue for new families today. Not to worry, nature gives you a boost to handle it and be even more patient (but not always).

Her hormonal surge, problems in her pregnancy, your relationship, and her character all play a role in how she treats you, and sainthood only goes so far.

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Becoming A Mother

If you track her progress month-by-month as described in her pregnancy book, you’ll lose the forest for the trees. What happens to her goes way beyond morning sickness and childbirth. Motherhood will change her to her core.

During pregnancy, the incredible reality of a baby growing inside her captures her full attention, and she imagines what her baby will be like. She may daydream about him, perhaps as a little boy with the ideal traits she envisions (ask her what she imagines). Towards the end, she’ll likely worry about childbirth, so encourage her to talk it out.

It is a process. She must deal with the incredible changes she is experiencing as they occur; setting the clock back is not an option. The first few weeks can be especially trying until she is able to offset her uncertainties about caring for her newborn with the reality that her baby is growing and becoming stronger daily.  

Milestones for New Moms

Her best strategy is to plan on doing nothing else in the first months but getting used to being a mom. On average, it takes new moms 4-5 months to get their “mommy legs,” the point at which they generally feel like they know what they’re doing. Within a year, she will grow into a comfortable and confident mom, with new capabilities, character, and power.

She Has the Strength of a Cave Mom

In her mid-teens, a cave girl, living with her family and tribe in the wild with dirt floors, rats, rain and wild meat-eating animals, would mate and become a mom. Then, in addition to her own survival, she took care of, nurtured, and did everything possible to keep her tiny baby alive and thriving. 

Why did she so awesomely commit herself to her baby? A new cave mom experienced a powerful metamorphosis that fundamentally changed who she was. She had inherited her enormous motivation from her maternal ancestors in the form of a deeply imprinted genetic code, coupled with supercharged hormones and new brain capacity. This has been passed on down to your partner as well.

cave mom runs

Her Emerging Mommy Brain

Dads have told us for decades that it’s not just a new baby they bring home from the hospital, it’s a new partner as well. Research has now made clear that while your mate’s beliefs and characteristics will help shape her as a mom, the innate biologically driven changes she experiences will dramatically impact the direction she takes. 

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Her Gatekeeping Can Go Either Way

New mothers quickly take charge of their babies, and they can use their control as the “gatekeeper” to encourage a new father’s involvement or criticize and restrict it. The latter includes micromanagement of your interactions with your baby and hovering around and criticizing or correcting you. 

Ninette: "I Like Things My Way..." (1:21)

SCIENCE DAILY: Fathers' early parenting quality affected by mothers -  Study shows the impact of maternal 'gatekeeping'

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If She Is Not Stepping Up

These critical issues are very difficult to address amidst her hormonal surges, especially if confounded by preexisting relationship problems and your anger. The guidance to you from the experts, including our dads, is limited to "take care of Mom, no matter what," and that only goes so far. Given the enormous stakes for your baby and your marriage, we'll tell you what we can, and encourage you to act constructively.

READ: Baby Blues & Postpartum Depression in Supporting a New Mom

HAVE YOUR PARTNER READ: Postpartum Mood Disorders in our Field Guide for New Moms.

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