You have what it takes to become the best dad for your baby, but it may take a while for you to catch on.
You'll learn what you need to know from Base Camp, your partner, the dads you know, and Boot Camp (for a great start). Caring for your baby will teach you a great deal more. Your confidence will increase, enabling you to constructively focus on the challenges you face. Once your baby arrives, your awesome power for stepping up as a father will fully kick in.
- What am I getting into?
- This was not my choice.
- I don’t like babies.
- I’m not ready.
- I won’t be a good father.
- I’ll throw up in the delivery room.
- I’ll lose my great life.
- I’ll lose a great wife.
- I’ll drop the baby.
- What if there are complications?
- Will she ever get back to normal?
- How much will this cost?
- I can’t afford it.
- My mother-in-law is a nightmare.
- Is this baby really mine?
- I just want him to come out.
Keep in mind: fear exists because you care. And because you care, you’ll be exactly who your family needs you to be.
PODCAST: HOW I BECAME A DAD
Once you share your feelings with someone you trust, fears and concerns usually stop festering and start dispersing. The obvious person to tell is your partner, but, of course, she’s pregnant, feeling vulnerable, full of her own worries, and needs you to be strong. So who do you talk to? Some suggestions:
- Yourself – write it down on a piece of paper and read it.
- Brothers, sisters and close friends are there for times like this, so count on them to listen and, if it fits, call you nuts.
- Mom-to-be likely senses something’s up and has added you to her long list of concerns. Your best move is to clue her in, so think through how to handle it.
See our resources for depression and anxiety.
“Best advice I can give you is talk to your partner. If you’re nervous, scared, overwhelmed, depressed, let your partner know. I suffered with depression and the minute I spoke to my wife, a weight was off my shoulders. I felt I was going to burden her more but, in fact, she was really worried as well, and glad I talked to her. -Dad
Due to the size, speed, and velocity of changes occurring in their lives, the rate of clinical depression for men becoming fathers doubles. Moms get the more serious postpartum depression after the baby arrives, but dads are impacted by stress before and after their baby arrives. So if the changes are getting to you, understand it’s common, see it as a serious challenge, and deal with it constructively.
In our workshops, dads-to-be list their concerns so they’re addressed by our veteran dads. Their worries are all over the place; here’s a sample of what they say…
Reddit: Dad-to-be: Anxious and scared.
Reddit: Dad-to-be: Panic attacks during pregnancy
Ready or not, “I’m pregnant!” is the kickoff! (44% of us say “not ready”). To become a big part of your child’s life, you’ll need to prepare as much as possible. This includes dealing with your concerns, thinking about what kind of dad you want to be, getting on the same page as your partner, etc.
“Deploy” means get organized and going:
- Attend doctor visits and ask questions.
- Help her through pregnancy and talk to her.
- Feel your baby kick and talk to him, too.
- Prepare for your role as her Childbirth Cornerman.
Dads: Changes during her pregnancy
“Best advice I can give you is talk to your partner. If you’re nervous, scared, overwhelmed, depressed, let your partner know. I suffered with depression and the minute I spoke to my wife, a weight was off my shoulders. I felt I was going to burden her more but, in fact, she was really worried as well, and glad I talked to her."
When labor kicks in, it’s time for you to deliver, too. Coaching her through childbirth is intense, but you’ll get the job done. Next, welcome your baby into the world and start caring for him. Once you take your family home, you’ll need to seriously deliver for months.
“Deliver” means get it done:
• Learn how and get hands-on caring for your baby.
• Take care of mom; do whatever you can.
• Work despite little sleep.
With minimal sleep, a demanding baby, and a worn-out mom, plan on hitting the wall when your adrenaline runs out after a few weeks. Regardless, you’ll still have to wake up at night to care for your baby, then get up in the morning for work—bleary eyed—with no end in sight.
“Deprived” means being exhausted and feeling the life you knew is over:
• Keep an eye on mom for baby blues/PPD.
• Focus on the basics and let the rest slide.
• Remember this phase will pass.
Expect to feel discouraged from these impacts and loss of control over your life; the best antidote is more contact with your baby.
Hey, you’ve gotten the hang of taking care of your baby! After 3 months, her crying cuts way back, and she smiles when she sees you! While your baby is still a lot of work, you’ve learned the ropes, have a second wind coming on, and feel a sense of control over your life as a dad.
“Discovery” means enlightenment:
- Teach your baby to play peek-a-boo.
- Take her out on your own.
- Start romancing the new mom in your life.
- Consider the kind of father you want to be.
Now it’s getting fun! Your baby gets excited when you walk in the room, rolls over, laughs, plays and learns how to do stuff. You have a new buddy (or budette)! This is when baby bonding can skyrocket and lock you into a strong connection for life.
“Delight” means fun and fulfillment for you:
- Teach your baby to swim, rock climb, or a secret handshake.
- Get out, just the two of you, to a car show or hardware store.
- Take her out to meet up with your friends.
A father puts his child first, protects her, teaches her how to handle life, passes on the best of himself, teams up with mom, and builds a new sense of pride, confidence and purpose. When things are tough, Dad doubles down on his commitment to his family.
“Dad” means you. Stop and consider the kind of father you’ve become. The lifetime payback is enormous, so make the most of your family with Mom (you’ll find new moms love their baby’s daddy).
Welcome to the brotherhood of fatherhood!
The way Mom picks the baby up is great, and the nine different ways Dad picks him up are great, too. Moms tend to fall into a pattern, and dads are all over the place, which is the way nature designed it. Your baby’s different responses ensure he gets calming time with Mom and playful time with Dad—both necessary and good.
Moms quickly develop an intense nurturing role that contributes greatly to your child’s welfare and growth. Your adventurous role complements Mom, and the combination is what turns out well-rounded children. The more you acknowledge each other’s strengths, the more you will bring out the best in each other as parents.
Evidence all around is that moms and dads should both show up to this parenting thing as themselves. Even if you choose to flip traditional roles, you’ll still bring a different experience that has major value in your child’s development.
Your differences can be complementary and balancing. Working out two perspectives on an issue is almost always better than one. Dads tend to think long range while moms focus on the moment. Dads also operate more from an instinctual, creative and practical viewpoint—a huge plus when taking care of a baby.
Be sure to get “dad sessions” with your baby from the very start, especially those first few weeks (prime bonding time). Encourage your mate to take a break and exit the house for an hour or two. Let her know it’s also the only way you’ll learn how to handle the baby on your own, which will help her trust you and eventually not call every 10 minutes to check in. The next step for you will be getting out of the house solo with your baby.
While this transformation into a father occurs in the circumstances of our new lives, it ultimately takes place in the depths of our own mind. We start to feel like a “Dad” and build an extraordinary commitment to do our best. It becomes a big part of who we are: fatherhood is a new dimension that enlarges us and makes us better men.
When you become a father and look back, it will be hard to remember what life used to be like. You’ll reflect and see how far you’ve come and how deeply committed you are to your child.
Little compares to your baby falling asleep in your arms, comforting your child when he’s upset, or your toddler’s delight over knocking down the block tower you helped him build. No matter what happens in other areas of your life, you will always be special to our child. We guarantee that as a rich relationship with your child develops, you’ll experience a sense manhood that expands your heart and soul, fulfilling the core of your being. It will have a broad, never-ending impact on you that gives real and deeper meaning to life.
For some dads, caring for a baby on turf owned by women (for millenniums) can feel emasculating at first, but fathers end up carving out their own turf and doing it their own way. We learn taking care of a sick baby through the night is not for wimps; that protecting and providing for a family requires a great deal of strength.
Raising children brings out the best in us and spurs us to mature and excel as human beings. We develop an extraordinary commitment to our child and family and become men in the finest sense of the word.
‘‘I fear that I might get too wrapped up in my work and career and not be there for my family. Not spending enough time to bond with my child is of great concern to me.” — Rookie Dad
What happens when you get out alone with your baby? Magic. When it’s just you two of you, you notice everything about each other and connect on a deep level. For dad, it’s like a date: you’re out to show your child a good time and bring him into your own world (maybe by showing him a Shelby Cobra 427 at a car show). When people ask about your baby, you’ll get to do all the talking. When a problem develops, it’s Dad to the rescue! This is when you develop a special bond.
Another Reason to Get Out Alone With Your Baby
Kyle Pruett, MD, author of the groundbreaking Fatherneed, explains why dads have so powerful an influence on the kind of person their child becomes: “A father and his infant develop an enhanced relationship through interactions that occur between them in the absence of the mother. This one-on-one time is when dads develop a broad range of skills that engage their child, instilling richer social and exploratory behavior."
Another gem from Dr. Pruett is the more you think about you and your child doing things together as he grows, the faster your bond develops and the deeper it becomes. You might start with the things you like to do, but might also consider activities and adventures you have always wanted to do.
Dads Adventure Cigar Box Treasure Chest
$34.00
For all your treasures! Solid wood box with dove-tail joints, perfect for all your/his most prized keepsakes. Makes a great Dadchelor Party/Man Shower gift!
Proceeds go toward funding for Boot Camp for New Dads
As your child grows, you’ll continually think up new approaches to delivering for your children, deciding what kind of dad you want to be. Over time, you’ll form a personal understanding of your own fatherhood; not only will you own it, but you will have designed it from your own blueprint.
Through an amalgam of knowledge, instincts, personality, awareness, vision, beliefs, and just plain trial and error, we develop our own unique approach to fatherhood. Sounds heady, doesn’t it? It’s actually as simple as just being yourself with your baby.
Ben and his wife arranged opposite work shifts to avoid daycare costs for little Alaya. Ben was on evening baby duty four nights a week, and every night around 7:00, Alaya would get very fussy; her crying steamrolling into a full fit by 8:30. He used the calming strategies that worked for his wife; he swaddled her snugly and walked around with her nuzzled against his chest. Alaya would seem receptive for a few minutes and then get right back to crying: Ben was beginning to take it personally.
One particular night, in the midst of their nightly crying ritual, Ben was struck by a moment of inspired desperation. He decided to try something. He unwrapped little Alaya from her blanket and draped her, belly down, over his forearm, and began slowly swaying her from side to side. More creativity stuck. He started walking around the house with her in this position, and as he got close to metal objects he made a rapid beeping sound. In the space of less than five minutes, as Ben kept up their new game, Alaya’s crying turned to cooing. He calls his technique “The Metal Detector,” and all his dad friends are impressed.
With Mom not around or frustrated, Ben tried something out and it worked.
Your own parenting style will slowly creep in. You may not even notice it at first. Much of what works for you will be guided by your baby’s reaction and your creativity. Engage in this process and enjoy it—you’re building a relationship from scratch.
Over the first year of your baby’s life, you’ll find yourself becoming a distinct parent, different from your partner in many ways. You’ll feel just as capable as her, but with a unique approach, and it’s all good for your baby.
By the time your kiddo turns one, your style will differ from fathers you know. You’ll have knowledge that seems to have materialized out of thin air. Much of what you do and how you react will feel embedded. You’ll move forward with confidence that comes from knowing who you are as a father. Enjoy the satisfaction you feel at this point, keep experimenting and refining, and be proud that you’ve reached this important milestone.
There will be more to come.
As your child grows, you’ll continually think up new approaches to delivering for your children, deciding what kind of dad you want to be. Over time, you’ll form a personal understanding of your own fatherhood; not only will you own it, but you will have designed it from your own blueprint.
Through an amalgam of knowledge, instincts, personality, awareness, vision, beliefs, and just plain trial and error, we develop our own unique approach to fatherhood. Sounds heady, doesn’t it? It’s actually as simple as just being yourself with your baby.
They Need Us to Be Ourselves
Of all the powerful and complex dynamics in the circle of life, a father’s critical role in teaching his baby to play has got to be one of the coolest. Research found that despite obvious advantages moms enjoy in terms of baby appeal, two-thirds of 6-month-old babies chose Dad when it came to playtime. Fathers, perhaps due in part to maturity issues, are naturally designed to be the perfect playmate.
Tickling, Superman flight lessons, peek-a-boo and wrestling all come naturally. Playing is also bonding at its finest. Dads elicit radiant smiles and infectious belly laughs, sometimes with just a wink. And finally, playing is your baby’s main job: it teaches him to laugh and take risks, it develops motor skills and speeds brain and nervous system development. It’s a dirty job, but remember when you’re crawling on the floor, barking like a dog as you chase him around—it’s Dad’s job.
You may need the work to pay the bills, are heavily invested in your career, or have a job that requires travel. If you make time at home with your family count, this route can work for a couple of years. You’ll still miss out on things, so perhaps an exit strategy is in your future.
You’re providing essential economic support, especially if it allows mom to stay home. But since you are less available to help mom with the baby, anticipate she may resent your absence and “gatekeep.” If you respond by working more to avoid stress at home, it will create a division in your family just as it is forming. The antidote is to spend more time with your baby; skin-to-skin works best for extreme bonding, and giving him baths with Mom watching shows her you love “her” baby too.
Some employers offer telecommuting and flexible schedules for dads wanting more time at home. You may need to request or push for this. Many fathers find they’re more efficient at work, enabling them to spend more time at home.
Having flexibility and working fewer nights and weekends allows you more opportunities to interact with your child and support Mom. Mixing work and family at home can be challenging, but you’ll get to be there for your family.
Backing off your career aspirations is a sacrifice, but finding another job with fewer hours may be your best option. Since we tend to bring work home, reducing stress is as important as reducing work hours. This likely involves a decrease in pay but brings a serious increase in your fulfillment as a father. Research is clear on the benefits babies receive from having Dad around, and it provides much appreciated balance in Mom’s life, too. Start by talking with her about the trade-offs.
Moving closer to work or finding a job near home will result in less time on the road. Easier said than done, but check out the possibilities. A family-friendly neighborhood or a less demanding job may also be part of the deal. You’ll save prime family time in the morning and early evening when your child is ready to go. The hours you save can be considerable, and a tired mom will like having you around. Changing jobs or moving is a big step toward finding balance in your life as a father.
Tricky, but, if successful, offers a great combination of good income, no commute and a flexible schedule to optimize your time on the home front. It requires personal discipline and practical steps like a separate workspace. A great option if you can pull it off since you’re paying the bills and fully participating in your children’s upbringing. There are business risks, but the overhead is low, and it’s a great way to go when the kids are young. Be careful that business stress doesn’t diminish you as a dad.
About half of all new families have two working parents with Mom as a major income generator. You may be able to work part-time and be a primary caregiver to your baby with partial day care support. A part-time job can also counteract the boredom inherent in full-time baby care. The alternative is two parents working full time, which tends to be stressful for new families. Part time work might involve cutting down on hours at your current job, starting a home-based business, or finding a new, part time job.
Staying home to raise your child may be the most rewarding thing you ever do. Then again, it may not work for you. Don’t doubt your ability; many men are making it work, and an increasing number of dads would join them if they could. You’ll be the most important influence in your child’s life. Traditional norms of Dad as breadwinner are dissipating. If you take this challenge on, make the most of this opportunity or risk finding it boring.
“I’m concerned about how I’m going to meet my financial responsibility as the breadwinner of the family, and my moral responsibility as a father. I work long hours already. Now with the baby coming, I don’t know how I’m going to find time to be a dad.” - Rookie Dad
Set the tone with Mom (and yourself) that you’re here to play by jumping right in on baby care, starting at the hospital and at home. You’re in the prime bonding zone, so muster all the paternity leave you can to be there.
At home, don’t let your limited experience with baby care deter you from taking full advantage of the time you have. Spending hands-on time with your baby is like working out: a small amount of time taken regularly goes a long way.
Think of solutions that will enable you to spend more time with your child. Check out “work options.". Be creative, and start making the necessary moves.
This is essential but may be tough. If Mom’s at home full time, she may feel chained to the baby and think you’re just out having fun. If she’s working too, she’ll have her own struggles. Tell her you want to be part of your baby’s life and you need her help.
Even if time with your child is minimal, make it as meaningful as possible:
- Spend time with your baby before you leave in the morning and after you get home. You can change, feed or play with her; even a little time consistently applied will seal your bond.
- Keep your baby’s picture on your phone, and check it out while you’re away.
- Call Mom daily for the lowdown on Junior’s antics and accomplishments for the day.
- Ask Mom to send you photos and recordings; talk to him via Skype or Facetime.
- Get creative. A young father deployed to Iraq tape-recorded a dozen nursery rhymes that his wife plays for their baby so he’ll recognize Dad’s voice when he gets back.
- Put your picture up where he can see it; babies focus on faces.
“I felt pressure to always be there for my new family and play Superdad, never thinking that I needed time every once in a while to recuperate and refuel my daddy tank.” - Veteran Dad
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